Sometimes when you are just sitting doing nothing thanks to the corona virus you wander into your head to see what's going on in there, back in the shadows. This happens to me these days at five in the morning.Every morning at 5 am here in Loja, a local rooster on a nearby roof starts crowing and reminds me to get up and stumble off "to visit the facilities" as the English would say. When I return to the warmth of the covers I relish the fact that I have another hour before I have to get up and walk the dog. I snuggle down and wait for unconsciousness to overtake me, unfortunately to no avail. Since we got to Ecuador and settled into this apartment my brain has decided that this is the time to assess my life and decide whether it has been a success or not. This is, of course, a result of all the extra time that the virus has dumped into my lap whether I wanted it or not. Normally I would ignore this chance for introspection since self awareness has never been high on my list of priorities. Picking over the entrails of past suspect decisions can only lead to regrets, something that is a huge waste of time and to be avoid at all costs. After all, what can you do about it now?
However this time it seems to be different. One factor is that I am now at an age where looking back is much more fertile ground than looking forward. Three months ago I could look forward with some fairly certain expectations. Now? Not so much. I have no idea what is going to happen in the near term and even less of an idea for the long term. For once experience is of no value. So why not spend some time looking back. The worst that might happen is that a reader will say, "well there's a half hour I will never get back!"
First of all let me say right of the bat that my generation, and me in particular, had the best of it. So this trip down memory lane will not be a woe is me journey. I had the happiest of childhoods, raised in a loving family who never wanted for anything and always had food on the table. We were middle class, and my parents were always encouraging and open to my doing whatever made me happy. This was in Whitehorse in the Yukon in the fifties so we had no TV to tell me that I didn't have the coolest stuff and should be unhappy because I didn't. I didn't even see a TV until I was sixteen years old and am firmly convinced that I am better off for it. I was an only child and although I had some bouts of loneliness, the upside was that I was the center of attention most of the time and got away with more than I should have. My mother was endlessly curious, found the humour in almost every situation, and encouraged me to try anything that struck my fancy. Best of all she thought I was incredibly funny. I could make her laugh anytime I wanted to. I read voraciously, had lots of friends, and as long as I was home when the street lights came on, was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted. I was a B student at best, mostly because I could never settle on one thing for any length of time. I was never an athlete of any distinction and was never made to feel bad about it. I was expected to find out for myself what "turned my crank", and get on with it. But perhaps the biggest thing was, it was the fifties. Everyone had a job and everyone had money; not a lot, but enough to put food on the table and a roof over your head. And if you lost your job or quit you could get another one the next day. Understand, I am talking here about my experience and how that experience shaped me. As a result I have never worried about money or thought for a moment that there might come a time when I should, or needed to. You can imagine how freeing that was when it came to planning your next step in life. Nothing was off the table.
So for fifty years I traveled the world trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life, first by myself and latterly with Sharon, who has put up with my flaky lifestyle with grace and good humour at every step. Don't ever suggest to Sharon that something "might be fun" because in short order you will be doing it. I once said to her that I had always had a fantasy of sailing to the South Pacific. I was 58, had never been on a sailboat or gone sailing in my life. I had no job, no savings, and no idea how to accomplish this feat. But Sharon said "OK" and two years later we found ourselves off the coast of Oregon sailing down six foot swells on our way to the Panama Canal. To this day I have no idea how we did it but at no point did it seem like a pipe dream to either one of us. Keep your face pointed in the right direction and take one step at a time.
Looking back it seems that for me it is necessary to reinvent myself every ten or fifteen years. Once you have accomplished whatever you are doing at the moment it seems a waste of time to just continue doing it because you can. Where's the challenge in that? "Appeared on Londons' West End Stage at 24 to good reviews", check, move on. Of course being an actor meant having huge amounts of free time to explore other options. The unexplored is endlessly fascinating. I've been bored, but never for long. And who wouldn't want to work in a Mars Bar factory, or be a Farrier, as long as it wasn't for the rest of your life? I've even been a ring waiter, pushing cages of tigers and bears into the big top for the Moscow Circus! ...in Australia!!
There could have been, however, one impediment to this freewheeling lifestyle that I am so casually describing. Children. At some point in this saga an unconscious decision was made that children would be a fly in the ointment. Was that a selfish decision? Who knows? I don't even remember making it, if I ever did. I have no regrets about it. It helps that I am a self centered egomaniac of course but there are worse things to be and how tragic would it have been if I'd had children and resented them all my life because they kept me from doing what I really wanted to do. I can't say I had that much self awareness at the time. It's just how it worked out.
So, as a result of all of that, I still haven't decided what I want to do with my life. And now we have moved on to a new adventure, probably my last. Sometimes that saddens me because there are so many more adventures to be had. I always thought riding the Pacific Crest Trail on horseback would be fun but that's not going to happen. But as I said at the beginning, we had the best of it. At least from this vantage point it seems that way. There are some things that people today say are big leaps forward that I, as a grumpy old man, can only describe as great leaps backward. For instance without TV I wouldn't be constantly being told that my car isn't new enough, or that, if I could just put up with a bit of anal leakage, I could do away with zits forever. And if there was no internet I wouldn't be slapped in the face every day by misguided cretins wearing MAGA hats. But if I carry on here I will lose it completely.
So here I sit, looking back from what one my friends calls my fifth life, feeling that it has pretty much worked out. For a lazy, no talent, irresponsible, gadfly I did OK. Did I make a major contribution to the betterment of mankind? I would say ........no. Do I care ........no. Does that perfectly sum up how useless my mere existence has been? Depends on your perspective. I have always taken to heart the old adage "No one ever lay on their death bed and said 'I wish I had spent more time at the office' ". Why are we here? I have no idea and intend to spend zero hours of the time I have left pondering that question. I will find out in due course and have no intention of coming back and telling you. Some things you have to find out for yourself.
I do know one thing for sure. When the last few breaths are on my lips I can turn on Frank singing "My Way" ..... and smile.
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